


Falling into Ice

by SakuraMinamino



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Memories, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-04 22:52:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16798639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraMinamino/pseuds/SakuraMinamino
Summary: Who needs the light when falling is much easier. Why fear it? Let me fall and let the cold consume me.





	Falling into Ice

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Cardinal Rule](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2495981) by [SakuraMinamino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraMinamino/pseuds/SakuraMinamino). 



> This is just a drabble I made during work. This ties into my story Cardinal Rule, partly Jim's memories during his depression after his children was massacred and part epilogue after Cardinal Rule ends. It's my first one-shot as I try to get back into the Star Trek universe to complete the stories I started. I tried experimenting with this. Let me know what you think.

People dream of falling. The weightlessness, the panic that sets in as you plummet, waking you from what may have been a nightmare or a fantasy. But I do not dream of falling. No. It was my reality, metaphorically and literally. 

I jumped from the cliff, clutching the leather sack to my chest, feeling my heart beat erratically against it. I could hear the fire of phasers behind me, and the smell of scorched earth to accompany it burning my nostrils, but as I fell, everything went still, and the world slowed down. There was only me, the rushing air in my ears, and my weightless body. In that moment, I was free. Free from pain. Free from hunger. A euphoric bliss of tranquility that lasted only moments before my body plunged into the icy river, the impact of the fall, bruising my legs when I broke the surface.

The currents immediately took hold of my body, dragging me away downstream, pulling me under the surface, away from the light and warmth of the sun. I let it. There was no point in fighting quite yet. Though the shock of the temperature change did rack my body, it was not yet time to surface, knowing they were looking for me. If I surfaced now, I would be killed.

The river though fair was cruel, tugging my body against rocks and debris. I gained cut after cut, even losing my precious air when the current hurled my body against a large stone. The force made me exhale the breath I had been holding and instinctively inhale. Even though it was only a little bit, the water burned my lungs and the instinct to cough arose. I was going to drown. It was too early, but I clawed my way back to the surface frantically. I could not die here. I refused to drown.

The moment my head broke through to the surface, I coughed, trying to get the much-needed air back into my lungs, but a wave made my efforts futile, washing over me not even a moment later. I swallowed more water and had inhaled even more. My body was going into panic mode, as it tried to cough it up, but my mind fought back the impulse, waiting those couple seconds it took to bring my head back above water once again.

My movements were getting stiffer as the time dragged on, the water quickly going to work, freezing my body. It must have been barely above two degrees, barely above freezing.

I managed to pull myself out of the water. I could barely think or recall how I did it. I was hyperventilating, my lips blue and my skin pale. I could barely move as I shivered and coughed on the ground, trying frantically to warm my chest from my fetal position. I needed to start a fire and warm myself immediately. I was already suffering from hypothermia, at the second stage and heading to the third, but it was hard to think, my thoughts muddled and my body refusing to listen to me any further. Just trying to sit up felt like an impossible challenge, and I was getting weaker by the minute. A fire. I needed a fire. 

But a fire would give away my position. So close to where I had jumped, they would be searching for me. It wasn’t the first time I had pulled this stunt in front of them. They would know I survived. In either case, I needed to move and warm myself in the process.

I tried to remember my training. Instinctively, I wanted to pull off my wet clothes, but without something else to warm me at the ready, it was better left on. I dragged my body across the ground, the mud caking onto my body as I sluggishly moved. Moving was helping slightly, better circulating my blood flow once more, but the mud was sapping my heat almost as much as my wet clothes were. The mud was thick and cold. I was leaving a trail behind me that I didn’t have time to erase. Somehow, I managed to keep the leather bag with me as I crawled into the underbrush, hiding from direct line of sight.

My work was far from over. The rendezvous was 5 kilometers away. No one would come to search for me. I gave them orders to move once the sun sank below the cliffs. My children wouldn’t disobey. I had trained them well. Trained them to be cold and distant like me.

At this point, anyone in my position would probably fear death. There certainly wasn’t any hope in sight. However, I didn’t feel anything. My emotions had long since frozen, on the verge of dying. Death was a part of this place. What was one more casualty among thousands? I had fought until the end. Was that not enough?

I paused, hearing movement in front of me. I pulled the phaser from my belt taking aim, but as the quiet footsteps neared, I recognized them though I did not lower my guard just in case. “You shouldn’t be here, Jabari” I said, my voice, like my body, shivering.

A tall, dark-skinned teen emerged, looking over my form. His facial expression was minimal. He came across detached, off putting to most, but he replied in his soft baritone voice, “Let me help.” Before I could voice my objections, he was at my side, stripping off my shirt while I was too weak to protest. Soon I was enveloped in his oversized jacket, his warmth still clinging to the fabric until my frozen body sapped its heat.

His hands rested on my shoulders so that he could warm me, but I slapped his hands away, finding the strength to stand on my own. My legs were less than stable, like a rock teetering at the edge of a cliff, waiting for either the wind to blow or the earth to give before its inevitable fall.

What was so scary about falling? I had fallen many times, yet here I was still getting back up. Beaten. Weakened. Each fall chipping away at the ground I stood on little by little.

I walked on my own, keeping the distance between us. Little by little, my steps grew less steady, but I was determined to keep walking though my body had long since gone numb. What was so scary about falling? The deeper I fell, the less I could feel. The closer I felt to those who had died for me, died by me, died for my moment of selfishness. I didn’t need help getting back up.

My body had stopped shivering ages ago. As my vision blurred and my legs gave out, I couldn’t feel Jabari running to my side to support me. “James,” he called my name, cradling my body in his arms. His voice was distant, barely reaching me.

I didn’t need help getting back up. One of these days, I would finally hit the bottom, and I thirsted for it.

“Jim.”

My eyes snapped opened. My body was freezing, and I was shivering violently. My naked body was pressed against Spock’s naked skin as a fire raged on a couple meters away. My teeth chattered loudly, and I was unable to pull myself out of the fetal position. I didn’t know where we were only what had happened before I lost consciousness. The indigenous species had turned on us, and we had jumped from a cliff to escape. The water had been extremely cold. I couldn’t remember much after that, probably losing consciousness from the shock.

Spock, held me tight with one arm around my waist protectively while the other gently stroked my wet hair, stilling the memories that had come to me when I had passed out. While the vividness of the memory began to fade, the feeling of cold did not, clutching to me.

“Tarsus?” he asked. Not that he needed to. He knew. Spock knew everything. From every sin that I had committed to every sin I had witnessed. I nodded weakly against his chest before trying to sit up. The others would be waiting for our call. We had to contact the _Enterprise_ and get ourselves beamed up to give our repo—

Spock pulled me back down, this time wrapping both arms around me, holding me tightly. “You are still freezing, Jim. Let me help.”

My body, at first tense, relaxed in his arms. As we laid on what seemed to be a pile of large, fan-shaped leaves to separate us from the cold ground, I breathed in his scent. The shivering slowly dissipated, and the warmth of the fire and man beside me gradually seeped in. When I attempted to stand a second time, Spock let me go, and when I stumbled, he caught me before letting me go again, trailing behind at a close distance.

I never did hit that bottom. No. But I had been close. Numerous times. Ice had been my shield. It had come in many forms from indifference to a playboy smile. If I couldn’t feel, the fall wouldn’t hurt. So I had asked, why did people fear of falling?

As I walked, feeling Spock beside me, matching my gait, ready to catch me should my legs fail again, the warmth of his body seeping into my cold one, I began to realize why. If we let ourselves fall, we would forget what it was like to be in the sun.


End file.
